The Bathroom Incident

I work a job that I really like. It takes me to a lot of different places, I get to meet a lot of people, and the challenges I face are always new. Yet there was something I was nervous about from day one: client’s reactions to me. Not only am I a woman working in a profession that defaults male, but I am a transwoman working in North Carolina. Yeah, that North Carolina, the state that tried to dictate where trans people can use the restroom back in 2016. At the time many people on the national stage considered NC a rotting stinkhole of intolerance, but this has never been my experience. Even in the early years of my transition I have never been treated badly or confronted in a bathroom. Until Tuesday that is. To be honest, I am surprised it took almost 4 years for someone to tell me I was in the wrong bathroom. Afterall there is a reason that 59% of trans identified people tend to avoid public bathrooms*. 

Linda (not her real name) was having a bad day. When I said hello she looked up with a glare so cold it made me stop. “Do I have to talk to you?” she told me with an acid sigh. Nope. You do not Linda. I waited for another person to become available but first I really had to pee. I had driven all day and went straight to work when I arrived, so I really didn’t want to wait any longer. I walked to the bathroom, went into the stall and set my tool bag down when I heard the door pop open and a loud “You went to the wrong room!” Shouted by who I assume was Linda. I stopped myself from turning around and confronting her. “You’re in the wrong room!” she said again while I continued to go about my business. I took a deep breath. My hands shook. My heart pounded. A mixture of embarrassment and anger seethed through me. The shouting stopped. Bringing it on lady. Call your boss. Call security. Make a fool of yourself, but I am going to the bathroom first. I washed my hands. They still were shaking. Calm down. Calm down. You are fine. You are fine. I pointedly ignored Linda for the rest of the time I spent there and did my business with a firm hand on my emotions.

It wasn’t until I got back to my car that my irritation broke. What should I do? I want to pause and take a moment to examine this moment. Growing up I always thought that I would stand up for myself in these situations. If someone yelled at me of course I would report them. As I returned to my car and my anger began to cool, doubts rushed in to fill the void. Did that really just happen? Maybe it wasn’t Linda shouting at me but one of the other women in the bathroom? Do I need to say something? I could have misheard her. Maybe it was said to someone else and not me? These questions eroded my anger into doubt. I went from fighting mad to not wanting to cause any trouble. It wasn’t that big of a deal was it? It was just words. I didn’t want to be seen as weak, a little cry baby because someone was mean to me. I didn’t want to be a villain who got people fired.

After posting about the situation briefly on Facebook I was convinced that I really did need to bring it up. So, I googled their HR department and gave them a call to report the problem. When I got to the heart of the incident the person taking notes exclaimed “Whaaaaaat!? No. That is unacceptable!” She stopped the interview to personally apologize. And you know what? I totally broke down. I was wrecked. I had been yelled at for using the bathroom, and that is never ok. I was not crazy. This incident wasn’t somehow my fault just because I exist. I was not making a mountain out of a molehill. This person who I did not know, made me feel seen, heard and taken care of. That was what I needed.  

This moment released so much tension, much of which I had no idea I was carrying with me. Feeling seen was more healing than finding out if Linda will be fired or not. It was a balm for the soul to know that yes, I am allowed to have these feelings. No, I am not supposed to be shamed in public over how someone perceives my gender. I am allowed to simply exist, to be happy and successful. There are people on your side. If you have a story of abuse don’t hold it in. Don’t let it go unsaid. Abusers are allowed to continue their behavior because they expect their victims to keep quiet, to doubt themselves, to not cause trouble. There are people on your side, people who will believe you and that can point you in the right direction for help.

Domestic Abuse Hotline 1 (800)799–7233
LGBT Help Center 1 (888)843–4564
Sexual Abuse 1 (800)656-4673
Child Abuse Hotline 1 (800)422–4453
More resources can be found at https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/

*Information from 2015 US Transgender Survey