In honor of Pride Month I am going to be writing about a few different topics not normally covered on this blog. For those who have not yet figured it out, I am a transgender female; welcome! You can read about my coming out story here. While I usually try to focus on motivating people to get out and achieve their dreams, I have elected to address a few issues currently affecting my community. There is still a lot to do before we achieve equality for me and my LGBTQIA siblings, after all it can be hard to achieve ones dreams while struggling just to exist in a world that wants to shove us back into the closet.
There is a part of the English language that doesn’t usually get much thought. We use these small bits of code everyday as we navigate through our world, yet for a small number of people this piece of language is very valuable to their mental health and well being. Of course this fact has been seized upon by those in certain circles and weaponized against trans and non-binary people. I am talking about Pronouns, he, she, them, they. You’ve no doubt heard the phrase “Sticks and stones break bones, but words will never hurt me.” Lets talk about how one of the smallest parts of our language has been turned into stones to be hurled at the lives of transgender individuals all across this nation.
This recently happened to me while at work. I was called to a site to work on a monitor that was no longer turning on, which is typical. Our clients are usually pretty awesome and I have no issues with the vast majority of them, however on this day there were other people in the lobby where I was working. For the past week I had been recovering from a cold I caught while working in Florida, so my voice was low and froggy. I called the manufacturer and got a replacement set up and talked to the client about what to do next and then sat down in the lobby to write up my notes. So far, everything was easy peasy. While I was doing all of this a lady was in the lobby collecting her students after a test and was busy releasing them to their parents as they arrived. Once I was done with my notes I made my way through the crowd and checked the monitor one last time before putting it back down into its usual position. This is when a loud voice called out from behind me. “Well that man (emphasis theirs) is working on the monitor. He has been trying to get it to turn on. I thought he was finished but he needs to check something else.” Apparently one of the kids had asked the lady about what I was doing. Keep in mind I had no dealings with this woman, had not interacted with her or interfered in her work in any way. Yet she must have been close enough to hear me speaking to the client to flag me as trans. That was all it took for her to single me out.
I bring this up because of two things. One, this woman who took offense at a random human trying to do her job was purposefully misgendering me. There is a certain tone most people take when they are trying to be mean and they also slightly emphasize the pronoun they are purposefully getting wrong. This is different from the odd cashier who is going by route calling everyone sir. Different from the people in the phone who likewise just are used to dealing with men and call everyone sir. Those situations do not bug me, women all over the planet get misgendered all the time because male is the default in our society. What made me upset and singled out in a room full of people was a woman going out of her way to purposefully make me feel unwelcome.
Secondly I was disappointed that this teacher was modeling this behavior in front of her students. Can you imagine how chilling such behavior would be to a child questioning their place in the world? How such disgusting actions could influence such a child to shut that part of themselves down? I can. It happened to me as a child. I don’t know if it was a specific incident or several over time but I knew before the fourth grade that my desire to live authentically as myself was something I could never speak aloud. To anyone. Ever. I was ashamed of who I was and of who I wanted to be before I was as old as the child who had asked their teacher what I was doing to the monitor. Think about that. What if you were made to feel ashamed for liking science. Or for drawing comics. It would be unthinkable to make someone feel ashamed for wanting to be a mother, unless that person happened to be transgender. This is never ok. In any setting. Trans people exist. Treating us badly won’t make that change.
Let’s consider for a second that people who purposefully misgender Transgender people do not do it out of a mistaken sense of duty or propriety. There is literally no other setting where being polite and respectful is seen as some sort of offensive action. No, they misgender us to be ugly and mean. They do it to create shame. They do it to make the offending individual feel unwelcome. It is beyond rude. It is meant to harm. Meant to inflict damage. They do it because they know its harmful and they choose to use it anyways. Yet when they are confronted on it they hold up their hands “I am just calling it like I see it,” or “It’s a free country.” They gaslight us into thinking we have done something wrong. To make us want to hide, to make us feel small, unwelcome and different. They do it to cause harm.
To my trans siblings, you have done nothing to deserve the heaps of coal these people pile on our heads. Know that there are people who see you and love you and care for you all over this world. Please seek out those who see the value inherent in every life. Seek out those who see the real you and love you without qualification. These are the folks whose opinions matter. Take the words of the hateful and toss them aside. Do not let them shame you into hiding, for that is exactly what they want.
Here’s the thing, and I am addressing this specifically to those who want to weaponize pronouns against Transgender people like me. You can try to wound me with words. You can be ugly. You can be rude. It doesn’t matter. I am finally happy and content with the life I have. I will not hide who I am ever again. I will not be forced to be silent or to just fit in with everyone else. I will not make myself less any longer. That closet of shame and darkness that I fought so hard to get out of, that is a place that I will never go back to. I choose to live everyday, fully, visibly, unflinchingly, as myself. I will shine as bright as I can so that other transgender people know that there is light and joy on the other side. Keep tossing your hate around. It only shows the world how ugly that heart is that you keep inside. It only turns others away from the darkness you want to spread. Your words may hurt me but they will never bring me down.