Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear. This month we are looking at some of the fears in our lives that can hold us back from achieving our dreams. Those little voices that tell us that we aren’t good enough, that change is bad, that we should be afraid of the unknown, that we are not enough. Since each one of our fears is totally unique to us I will be talking about some of the hurdles that personally hold me back and what I do to push them back. While they may not be applicable to everyone I hope you can see that what we fear can be overcome.
I arrived for the interview almost 20 minutes early, it was my fault, I had skipped lunch not because I was running late or because I couldn’t find a decent place to eat. I was nervous and my stomach was practicing its floor routine. I sat in the car trying to calm my nerves, breath in, breath out. I had just traveled one hundred and fifty miles to what seemed at the time, the job of my dreams. Yet I wasn’t ecstatic. I wasn’t bounding with enthusiasm or ready to take on the world. I felt sick. I felt afraid. If I got this job, everything in my life would change, again.
Change is not something that is new to my life. I’ve lived in six different states, have had multiple career track changes, I even managed to finally stop hiding who I am in front of the world. I have weathered change like a lighthouse keeper weathers the years, steady, always looking out to the horizons. I pride myself on knowing what comes next (that’s another of these posts!). So, it was quite unexpected when I found myself so terribly nervous as I drove into Charlotte. I had done this dozens of times. What had changed?
I had changed. One of the most unexpected and wonderful side effects of my transition was the roots I put down in Raleigh. All of the locations I had lived prior to 2017 were great places, New York, Trenton, Nashville and Atlanta all hold special memories for me, but I didn’t have deep roots in any of them. In fact, before 2017 I didn’t have roots in Raleigh either. I was a drifter. Working wherever I found video work, hoping one day to stand on my own two feet and chase after my ever-shifting dreams. It wasn’t easy to pack up and leave these cities, but it wasn’t hard either. In the past year I had put down roots in Raleigh that went deeper than I could have imagined. By opening myself up, by letting others into my life I had built a community, a family that loved and supported me. I finally had a home. Change once again became scary to me.
It is natural for us to fear change. The upheaval of our routines, the thought of starting anew naturally makes us pause. By drawing our attention to it, we can prepare and be ready for change. If we stare at the change to long though it becomes fear, which can take something seemingly small and morph it into something more like a monster. I am a person who likes to attack her problems. this time though, there were no equations to solve, no research to look into. I was terrified of leaving my friends and my home. Why? I sat down and thought about it and took stock of just what was making me so afraid. I noticed I was dwelling on thoughts like, “What if I never make new friends.” Or, “Who will be there to support me? Where will I find a better team of care providers. What if there are no support groups?” I had let my fear take something small and painful and blow it out of proportion. I was afraid of not being able to rebuild my networks and that I would be alone and friendless outside of where I am now. While the thought of leaving and starting new was certainly something that would be hard it was not the end of the world. My fears were totally baseless. I was changing cites not moving to a new planet. The friends I have now, they love me for being me, I will find people like that all across the globe. Those who welcome others with a smile, those who value a person for who they are, they are in every city. I have the skills to build my own networks of support if I need too, and if worse comes to worse I have my online communities. My fears had taken something that was difficult and made it into something that was totally untethered from reality.
Change happens, it is the very essence of our lives. The days grow long, the plants bloom and wither away. We grow older, wiser, a little more forgetful each year. Our existence is marked by change, even as we struggle so hard to keep it at bay. All too often though I find that the fear of change holds many of us back, forcing us to sit when we need to jump. If you find yourself terrified of an upcoming change, ask yourself why. Maybe your fear has blown this whole thing out of proportion? At the end of the day though change happens, sometimes we just need to take a breath, pop open the door and meet the challenge with all we’ve got.